I had many conversation with strangers and I kept the conversations friendly. I didn’t want to be a bad witness, I really wanted to show the love I knew He had for them, for their consideration, to have a closer walk with Him. It was a good time and I started to get good at it.
Then in the community, the emphasis to do this cooled off, not a big deal anymore, but we now had prayer shawls and tifillian to put on. We needed to pray in the morning, noon and night in a ritual. We had a prayer book in Hebrew. I took 2 semesters of Hebrew at a local college, it was hard to read left to right… The really holy guys wore the T shirts with the knotty strings that have some kind of numerical significance, whatever I guess…
Then something happened, there was some talk about some weird stuff with Jack and some younger people. I heard it at first as hearsay, so I wrote it off. Then my girl and I met with some people that were there, they were there when the weird stuff happened. It was that Jack was have some kind of sex with boys under the age of 18, we know that as pedofelia, whhaaaaatttt!
This was the guy teaching us, the guy bringing us onto the tree, grafting us in. He had made Goon special, he bought him a drum set, brand new, he was a nice kid.
I was not on the inner circle, I was on the outside looking in, I had some inner circle friends and we all got along real well, but something was wrong.
My girl and I talked about this a lot, it was our focus, and we talked to more people, the story was bad and getting worse. So we left, left Long Island and put the community in the rear view mirror.
Didn’t want to know any more, didn’t care, it sucked up enough of my life and money and I was done with it. I did miss the people though, I had some good friends in there I thought. Like minded people wanting to be better people, wanting to be closer to God.
I, we went on, back out into the darkness, but we found it wasn’t dark at all, we found it different, and we found people out there that wanted to be better people and wanted to be closer to God. They were everywhere, and they were easy to find, some were family some were just in the same circles we were in.
But this doesn’t really say how can I love you does it? Well it kind of does, what we found was that there really was no secret hidden truth, there was no authority from God, there was no grafting onto the tree. God’s message is simple and the earth says it to us every day, God loves us, he wants us to love each other, there was love and work and struggle and focus and honesty and integrity and truth.
We want to help you with the work and the struggle and the focus and we promise to be honest and have integrity and tell the truth, and hope that you see and feel God’s love. I’ll admit I fail, that’s where the grace comes in, I count on it every day.
I was walking down the hall at work as I left for the day and there was a young man and woman in front of me, and I was thinking, are they aware of the love God was showering down on them right then? It was clear they were happy, it was clear at that moment their hearts were full, they may not have been cognizant of God at that moment, but they were feeling warmth, affection and love, they were so happy, each content just to be with each other.
As I walked out into a beautiful clear cool day, I could only be grateful for God’s grace, I didn’t deserve this, I didn’t work for this day, the gorgeous sky, the gentle cool breeze, the nice fresh air. It was just given, provided as if out of nothing, but all suitable for me, touching my senses making me feel really good, loved.
Occasionally I am reminded about the evnts on 9/11, with the new memorial there, now I am reminded even more so. When the planes hit, most people if they had any sense and could, they ran away. But not all, not the cops and firemen that hoped and prayed they would make it, but they knew what they had to do, they didn’t want to die, they thought, it will hold, it will last long enough, let me help, God let me get the people out… let me backup up my fellow firemen, together we can do it… I’m trusting You…
Then it came down and took them all away, not tele-ported, but consumed by the building. It is a mystery to me how they did that, I am in such awe to know that kind of love exists, just so powerful, so delicate, so forceful. I think, would I do the same thing, would I be so driven to save people to deny logic and go where only angles should be? I’m afraid to know the answer to that question, I hope I would answer it well, but the truth is I don’t know. I know they were special souls, we’re all special souls, we have different things to do, different jobs. That day, those souls expanded, those souls stood with Jesus, they were powerful, and they still touch me today, I wish I knew them better, but they made the choice in the blink of an eye, they made the sacrifice, now thru time they live, they touch, they love, you me, and they were not in the family, they were out in the world.
That’s what is out here, that’s where everybody else lives. We count on God’s grace and we accept his gifts freely, warmly, happily with humility.
How can I love you? I can tell you not to be afraid, tell you its OK to NOT be in the inner circle, its OK to live your life and try to be better, and fail sometimes, its OK, you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone, you don’t have to pass their test, you need to pass your own test.
God is full of grace, the news we have it great, Rejoice, be glad! You are invited, come if you will, its a walk with twists and turns, a walk that doesn’t end, its a challenge. You can face things bigger than you, and they can beat you, just don’t give up. Learn from failure, don’t be afraid. Read the bible, it teaches us how to love each other.
How can I love you? I can encourage you, pray for you, talk with you, be patient with you and I ask the same of you for me.
I’m not always sure where my path will lead me, but I pray for help, I ask for safety in my journey. I know I’m not alone, and your not alone, we have each other and we can help each other. Sometimes we can break a trust, it happens, but learn from it, get strong, stay connected.
How can I love you? The first thing I ask is that you love yourself, treat yourself lovingly, pray, ask God for help and guidance, it will come.
Give yourself some time to breath, expand, normalize, it can take years and if you think your getting off the track, talk about it, let the healing occur, love you. Learn how God loved us all.
If your not at peace, give it a chance, write down the conflict, deal with it, peace will come, forgive those around you and forgive yourself.
We can talk about all the others that need your forgiveness later, focus on you, if you want to leave, leave, go where you want to go and don’t look back. But if you have injured someone and its sticking in you and hurts, go ask for their forgiveness, you might not get it, you have to be strong and expect that, but at least you tried, this will heal over too, but it will take time.
Thinking of leaving, good!
Where can you go, do you have some friends on the outside? If your at the university, you’re good.
Don’t go back, get some distance, get some perspective.
Einstein said “God doesn’t play dice with the universe”. That’s true about the physics of the universe, and its true about your own spirituality. No one has authority over you unless you give it to them, for now, keep your own council, no one has authority over you but you.
It took us about 4 years before we were comfortable moving back into a religion, going to a church and its ok, you have time, take it.
Doubts, sure you’ll have plenty, but its ok, its your mind working thru it, no rush, we’ll all be here when you’re ready, and you are worth waiting for.
How can I help you, how can I love you, I’ve waited all my life to ask you that, and I’m praying for you now, hoping you start your own journey, the first step is the hardest because you have to abandon all the things they told you as you grew up. If you were older when you came to the family, you were open, you let your guard down and listened to what they told you, and now its not right, confusing, yes, but work thru it, alone if you have to, it will get better….
You may have friends that want to stay in and still be friends, you have to leave them, let them know where you are, but they shouldn’t get with you if they want to stay in. You have a lot to work out on your own, you don’t need anyone to confuse you.
I am ordinary and complex, but I’m shooting for a simple life, maybe build a new church with my parish, maybe do some fund raising for a charity I like, and driving a 94 year old lady to church on Sunday. She’s kind of funny, I think she has a crush on me, lol, its pretty funny, she’s great and this is simple and good, and right now simple is good.
I really like my life, I really like where I live and I love my family, and this will happen or already happened for you, but you have to get a fresh start. No one is getting a direct line to God, but we all have a direct line to God. You deal with the things you can deal with, put in His hands the things you can’t, pray, ask, believe, trust it will work out. Its hard for a camel to go thru the eye of a needle, but God can do it, I’ve seen great things God can do, its awsome and you know that too.
It’s ok to feel a little distant right now, but when I think about all the places I could be, how the world could be a different place, then I see it, feel it as it is, and see how, feel how, it matches me soo well, I’m in awe of God’s grace, how wonderful this life is and how great it will continue to be for me and for you.
The mother-ship isn’t coming to take us off planet. Either they are not there or they can’t, we’re here, we have each other, the good the bad. We can get along, we can help each other, you will love again, and if you have love now and your both leaving, congratulations, you have the prize.
If you think you need special help, getting those really dark thoughts, don’t wait, get some help, talk to someone. No one has been what you have been thru.
How can I love you? I want to tell you that you are lovable, right now you might have an edge, its ok it will pass, you’ve been thru a lot. Please don’t think I’m saying you have an edge, I’m just saying if you do its ok.
If your at the university, take a yoga class, really, take one, it will help. Its nice to know that the teacher has no hidden agenda.
Your peace will come, give yourself some time, it could be worse. You could be the leadership, you could be the ones telling the falsehoods, keep in mind, they actually know the truth, they know they have mislead you, they know the lies, they are corrupt.
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